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"The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. The Project Gutenberg eBook, Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Confessions of an Etonian Author: I. E. M. Release Date: September 29, 2006 [eBook #19405] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 ***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF AN ETONIAN*** E-text prepared by Jeannie Howse, Irma Spehar, Jason Isbell, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net/) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://www.archive.org/index.php) Note: Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See http://ia301238.us.archive.org/1/items/The_Confessions_Of_An_Etonian/ Transcriber’s Note: Inconsistent hyphenation and unusual spelling in the original document have been preserved. A Table of Contents has been added for the readers convenience. A number of obvious typographical errors have been corrected in this text. For a complete list, please see the end of this document. -1- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ETONIAN. By I. E. M. LONDON SAUNDERS AND OTLEY, CONDUIT STREET. 1846. "To preserve the past is half of immortality." D’Israeli the Elder. CONTENTS PREFACE. BOOK THE FIRST. CHAPTER I. CHAPTER II. CHAPTER III CHAPTER IV. CHAPTER V. CHAPTER VI. CHAPTER VII. CHAPTER VIII. CHAPTER IX. CHAPTER X. BOOK THE SECOND. CHAPTER I. CHAPTER II. CHAPTER III. CHAPTER IV. BOOK THE THIRD. CHAPTER I. CHAPTER II. CHAPTER III. CHAPTER IV. -2- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. PREFACE.ToC The author is anxious to request any person who may meet with this trifling volume to bear in mind that it contains the memoir of an unworthy member of the place to which it alludes—that many years have now elapsed since he quitted the spot where its regulations with regard to education have been as much altered as improved. For Eton! "my heart is thine though my shadow falls on a distant land." But should these pages influence the judgment of any mistaken but well-meaning parent, as to his son’s future destination, the writer will hope that he has not exposed himself in vain. THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ETONIAN. BOOK THE FIRST. CHAPTER I.ToC "Here’s Harry crying!" And on the instant, my brother awoke the elder ones to witness and enjoy the astounding truth. "What makes you think that?" I replied, in as resolute a tone as a throat choking with anguish would admit of. "Why, you’re crying now," added another brother; "I see the tears shining in the moonlight." "Only a little," I at length admitted; and, satisfied with the concession, my numerous brethren composed themselves once more to sleep in the corners of the carriage, on their way to Eton, leaving my eldest brother’s pointer and myself at the bottom, to our own reflections [2]As for old Carlo, his still and regular breathing evinced that his mind was as easy and comfortable as his body, sagaciously satisfying himself with the evil of the day as it passed over him. Here Carlo had the advantage of me,—I anticipated the morrow. Strange and boisterous school-boys, tight-pantalooned ushers, with menacing canes, were, to my yet unsophisticated mind, anything but agreeable subjects for a reverie, and I felt proportionately doleful; I turned my thoughts on the past, and I was very miserable. I now learnt that I had been happy, and, for the first time, appreciated that happiness. The hours of this long, weary day had appeared to be as many months; and when I ruminated on former scenes, and their dear little events, I sighed in bitterness, "What a time ago all this seems!" And as I peered up at the moon from my abyss through the window, my eyes unconsciously swam with tears, when I reflected that, if at home, I should at this moment be taking tea with my dear nurse, Lucy, and my sister’s governess, just before I went to bed. I had now bid an eternal farewell to, doubtless, by far the dearest,—happiest period of our existence, the dawn of life’s day—that enviable time when "we have no lessons;" when the colt presses, with his unshod foot, the fresh and verdant meadow, while he wonders [3]at the team toiling under a noontide sun, over the parched and arid fallow in the distance. -3- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. This, then, was my first lesson of experience; and on reflection, perhaps many of us will agree that, after all the vaunted troubles and anxieties incident to manhood, few surpass in intensity and hopelessness the sad separation from home for a detested school; it is real and wringing anguish, though, fortunately, like flayed eels, we eventually become inured to it. I now went through, for three years at a private school, the usual routine of punishment and bullying preparatory for Eton; and as these were of the ordinary kind, I will at once omit this epoch of my life, and commence with my debût at that great capital of England’s schools. It may not be out of place to give here a slight and rapid sketch of the scene to which these immediate pages are confined, as well as of other matters connected with it. Every one knows where Windsor is, and that Eton was separated from it by the Thames, until united by Windsor Bridge. But, with regard to the latter town, there may be some confusion, for it is divided into Eton, and Eton proper. This last will hereafter be distinguished as "College," and is situated about half a mile from the bridge, to which it is connected by the town. "College," I think, may be said to [4]comprehend "the school-yard," the suburbs, and "the playing fields." "The school-yard" is a spacious and respectable quadrangle; the upper school, the church, the cloisters, and long chamber, each respectively forming a side of it. In the centre is placed the statue of the founder, Henry VI. "The upper school" is placed over an arched cloister, and an ominous-looking region, in which, I suspect, is the magazine of birch. The school is nothing more than an extensive room, with its floor lined with fixed forms, and the wainscot with sculptured names innumerable. One is guilty of a sad omission should he quit Eton without giving a crown to Cartland to perpetuate his name on the immortal oak. Perhaps the loss of few olden records would be more deplored than its destruction, for here are registered many of Eton’s worthiest sons; C.I. FOX, as in after life, is here pre-eminent. Adjoining the upper end is another room, called "the library," in which there is not a book, but there is "the block," which speaks volumes; and as a library may, by a little forcing, be defined to be a chamber set apart for the acquirement of learning, this room is not, perhaps, misnamed. This block is a very simple machine—merely a couple of steps. The victim places his knees on the lower, and his elbows on the upper step; [5]but if the reader will thus place himself in his imagination, he will enter more immediately into the spirit of the thing. In front of him he sees a couple of little collegers, to hold aside the skirts of his coat. On his left is Keate, like Jupiter about to hurl his thunderbolt; on his right "the birch cupboard;" and though he can see nothing, he has little doubt of what is in his rear, the instant he is operated on. "Neither intemperance nor old age hae, in gout or rheumatic, an agony to compare wi’ a weel-laid-on whack of the tawse, on a part that for manners shall be nameless." The church, though not very remarkable for its dimensions, may be styled a handsome and venerable Gothic edifice; simple and regular, with its sides supported by deep and lofty buttresses, the recesses of which form the boys’ "fives-walls." -4- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. The cloisters form another small quadrangle. Over them are built the comfortable dwellings of the "College fellows," and "the College library," which is somewhat more appropriately furnished than that just described. The Fellows have each been boys on the foundation, having been elected, according to seniority, to King’s College, Cambridge, from whence they have been re-elected Fellows of Eton. "Long chamber" is long enough to contain [6]nearly the whole of the collegers, or boys on the foundation, whose complement I conjecture to be about seventy. This is a region of which I can give but an uncertain description, for few "Oppidans" cared to venture in. When I did, it was to be tossed in a blanket, so that, though elevated, my survey was hasty and superficial; but I suspect that the entire furniture to which a colleger lays claim, is his bed and bureau, tables and chairs being here as much out of keeping (if they could be kept at all) as at Stonehenge. En passant—this tossing was a pastime replete with the sublime and awful. That their efforts might be simultaneous, those who held the blanket, and they were legion, made use of the following neat hexameter: "Ibis ab excusso, missus ab astra, sago." And you go with a vengeance. "You shall fly from the quivering blanket, despatched to the stars." The suspense was fearful while awaiting the utterance of the ultimate syllable—how perfectly and permanently have I acquired this pithy verse! The floor is polished once a year on Election Friday, by "rug-riding." This is accomplished by rolling a fellow up in a counterpane, here properly called a rug. To either end of him is attached a rope, to which five or six boys are harnessed. The floor is now well smeared with tallow-grease, over which the warm mummy, [7]rendered still hotter by friction, is now drawn with delightful velocity. The polish thus obtained is admirable, and but the slightest flavour of grease lingers until the ensuing election. The suburbs form a small town, composed of a few large and indispensable shops, together with the houses of the masters and dames, at whose houses the boys, not on the foundation, and who are denominated "oppidans," board and lodge. "The playing-fields" are very extensive, and subdivided into the playing-fields, "upper-shooting-fields," and "lower-shooting-fields." The two latter are separated from the former by "poet’s-walk," a lovely little peninsula, with an avenue of lime-trees running through its entire length. The shooting-fields are appropriated solely to cricket, and in winter are "out of bounds." The playing-fields are open for foot-ball in the winter, and for fighting all the year round. The whole is most beautifully situated on the banks of the Thames, with the Little Park and Windsor Castle on the opposite side. In addition, it is lined and studded with the stateliest and most gigantic elms in England. These three divisions, the school-yard, suburbs, and playing-fields, form in theory "the bounds," which in practice are boundless, an [8]Etonian’s movements being curbed by time, rather than by space. -5- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. Eton, at its foundation, was a charity-school for seventy boys. In time, it received other pupils. The original ones are collegers, who are distinguished by a coarse black gown; the latter are oppidans, literally meaning "town-boys." The former may not wear white trowsers, and all are debarred boots, and black or coloured neckcloths. Collegers are dieted solely on mutton; hence they are familiarly and vulgarly termed "mutton-tugs," abbreviated to "tugs," which homely monosyllable they themselves derive from togati, on account of their wearing the toga—had they not better trace their origin at once from that mysterious and secret society of the Thugs of India? But their internal economy should be treated with diffidence, for between them and the oppidans there was ever an undefined, though "great gulf fixed." Owing to this, there is a difficulty in deciding how much, if any, of the following incident may be authentic. As asserted above, they were confined to mutton, the whole mutton, and nothing but the mutton, until the humane, but late Mr. Godolphin bequeathed a sum of money, to be appropriated in supplying them with potatoes, which henceforth accompanied the mutton, though in a state of nature; and [9]as this was not contrary to the statute, and as in all charities as little is done for the money as is possible, the poor boys and their potatoes were without remedy, until one of the College Fellows kindly bequeathed an annuity towards extricating them from their dilemma. He has ever since been appropriately immortalized as "Pealipo Roberts." Each boy has a tutor, who is one of the masters, of whom there are about thirteen. Their chief occupation is in correcting, and explaining the errors of their pupils’ exercises. At the period now spoken of, the school consisted of six hundred and twenty boys, probably the greatest number it had hitherto attained. Each master’s house is generally filled with boarders. The "dames" are boarding-houses, mostly kept by clergymen’s widows, or widows of some sort; there are also about thirteen of these. Assistant masters are professors of French, mathematics, writing, and dancing; but they are altogether independent of the college, and are taken or not at the will of the parents. There is another class of assistant masters, and these are the Cads. They are the professors of shooting, rowing, and cricket, and have many pupils. The most leading characters among them were Jack Hall, Lary Miller, Pickey Powell, and Jemmy Flowers; [10]but with regard to the latter there existed a slight odium, owing to his religious tenets—he was suspected of Mahometanism. Lary Miller ever asserted his conviction, that "Jemmy was a Maho-maiden, having surprised him one evening in the Brocas, lying on his stomach, worshipping a very large mushroom." Making due allowance for Lary’s notorious veracity, and for Jemmy Flowers’ religious inebriety, still the circumstance of a mushroom, and that a large one, flourishing on the Brocas, must ever throw a strong air of improbability over this assertion. There is a holiday on every red-lettered saint’s-day in the calendar; when this, or no other excuse occurs, it is termed "a regular week," when Tuesday is a whole holiday, Thursday half an one, and Saturday three-quarters. The longest period of time a boy uninterruptedly enjoys to himself may be said to comprise two hours, commencing each time at twelve, four, and six o’clock, on whole and half holidays; and these periods are designated by the never-to-be-forgotten sounds of "after twelve," "after four," and "after six." -6- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. "Whole school days" affect this arrangement but little, the difference being, that on holidays, they are separated from each other, by attendance on absence, and church; and on whole school-days, by school-times, of which there [11]are four, commencing each at eight, eleven, three, and five o’clock. The boys learn all their lessons, and do their exercises, in their own rooms, going into school to say or construe them. One school-time occupies about three-quarters of an hour. The whole school is divided into six forms, of which the sixth ranks the highest. This, and the fifth form, comprise about half the number of boys, for whom the lower half fag. An upper boy may fag a lower one to Windsor, or anywhere else. Though the river be out of bounds, half of the boys dedicate themselves to boating during the summer. The extent and main object of their expedition is "Surly Hall," a notorious public-house, three miles up the river from Windsor Bridge. Surly Hall may be said to be appropriated to the Etonians, and here they rest themselves. I never recollect one boy guilty of intoxication at this place. There are two grand aquatic processions every year up to this Surly Hall—on the 4th of June, George the Third’s birth-day; and on Election Saturday, towards the end of July. They are beautiful gala-days, when eight or ten long-boats are rowed by their crews in costume, accompanied by a couple of military bands; swarms of nobility and gentry come from London to enjoy them, some person of peculiar [12]rank being "the sitter" in the leading boat; but boating is not allowed. "Montem," so called, perhaps, from the ceremony of a boy flourishing a flag on a small mount, occurs every third year, when the upper boys are dressed as officers, and the fags, resembling sailors, in white trowsers and blue jackets. Thus they are obliged to expose themselves to a multitude, while they walk to Salt Hill, where they dine. As an Eton boy, I have witnessed four Montems, and could never think of each but as a ridiculous, tedious, and detestable performance; the only good resulting is, that the captain of the collegers receives several hundreds of pounds, which are collected from the crowd by other collegers in fancy dresses, and denominated "salt-bearers," and "runners," who dun high and low for "salt." [13] CHAPTER II.ToC "How old are you, Graham?" asked my future tutor. "Nine, if you please, sir." "Can you do sense-verses?" "No, sir, only nonsense ones." -7- The Project Gutenberg eBook of Confessions of an Etonian, by I. E. M. "Well, you are placed in the upper Greek; be in eight-o’clock-school to-morrow. Graham," calling me back, "take this order to the book-seller, and he will give you the requisite school-books. It is Greek grammar in the morning; get a boy to show you where the lesson is. You may go." So soon as I had procured the books, I peeped into the Greek grammar, which struck me as being an interesting-looking book, for hitherto, I had never even seen a Greek letter. I went to my Dames, where I found Tyrrel ma, and Kennedy, who shared my room, playing at battledore. "You don’t care for the row, Graham, do you?" asked Tyrrel, after they had played half an hour, and observing that I looked a little puzzled. [14]"Oh, that makes no difference," I sighed, "but this Greek is such odd stuff, and I don’t know a letter in the alphabet except the four first ones. Can you give us a help?" After a lengthened debate among us, the only apparent chance for me was, that the lesson should be written out in English letters, so that when I repeated it, I should appear to know my lesson. This, Tyrrel good-naturedly effected for me. At eight o’clock, then, the next morning, in due routine, I approached the master in his desk, under the same superstitious awe as poor Friday, when he cowered before the august Crusoe. I would not have failed in my performance for worlds, and now entered the desk resolved on acquitting myself to perfection. My ardour was not slightly damped when, on uttering a few words, the master, with a frown, demanded why I had not commenced where the previous boy had left off. "I thought, sir, that I was to begin at the beginning." "What business have you to think?" Commencing, then, as he directed me, I had no sooner recited four lines, than he ordered me to "go." "That’s not all, if you please, sir." "It’s quite enough for me; go." So I went, under the painful suspicion [15]that I had failed, and was to be punished accordingly. I was not yet aware that the succeeding boy went on with the lesson where his predecessor had left off; and when he had said his three or four lines, he likewise was dismissed, and so on—it being taken for granted, that the boy knew the remainder of the task; but this extreme innocence of mine, when I informed the master that I had not accomplished the whole lesson, is not a little amusing, when compared to my future career, was it not for the remorse a man of crime might ..."

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